


I tried to forget it [But it wouldn't stop killing me]

by DEANfferentRNB



Series: lyricism [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-02-18 02:39:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13090668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DEANfferentRNB/pseuds/DEANfferentRNB
Summary: Felix had never hated yellow so much.Hanahaki disease au. Just a 'short' drabble which was semi inspired by Eden's song Start//end.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Whoop whoop. It's me again, procrastinating on boy. by posting other stories. It was between this or a soulmate au *hint hint* Don't know if I'll make this into a full story after I finish boy. or if I'll just leave it as a drabble.

"What colour are the petals that you cough up?"

Felix stood upright, his hands trembling as he scrambled to pick up the pale yellow petals, shocked that he had been discovered so quickly. He thought he had hidden it so well; he never vomited when the other members were around and he always disposed of them afterwards.

Them. Felix laughed, a bitter sound richocheting of the cold, hollow walls of the practice room. He couldn't even say what his problem was, even after all the hours he had spent nursing heartbreak, after all the times he had cried himself to sleep in Woojin's arms and he hated hinself for it, even more than when he didn't have the disease.

He hated calling it that. No matter how many articles online claimed it was, it wasn't a disease, especially not when a close friend was involved. He knew he should have just gone through with the surgery, but Felix knew that no matter how many times he removed his old memories, he would always find a way to fall in love with the new ones they would eventually create together.

"Felix?"

The blondie sighed, his whole body shaking as he smoothed out the creases in his t-shirt. He needed a moment. A moment to collect his thoughts, to think of the excact words that he wanted to say. Slowly, he steadied himself and turned around, his glassy, tear filled eyes locking with anxious, wide ones.

Strong arms engulfed him in a hug, the force of it making his body sway gently side to side. They were still crouching on the floor, not having the energy to stand up fully. Then, just as he dreaded, images of their time together flooded his mind, knocking the wind out of his lungs in the process.

He saw the time they went to a funfair together, Felix screaming as he clasped onto his hands, his knuckles turning a pale shade of white. He saw the time he was crying in his bed tears streaming down his face as his friend held him close and wiped away his tears. It was a few weeks ago, but he could still vividly recall his warm smile as they watched a movie together, their feet entangled in the duvets. Then all he could see was him.

Him and his soft, dark brown hair and his ears tinted with a bright cerise hue.

Changbin. Changbin. Changbin.

"I'm okay." Felix mumbled.

They both knew he wasn't but they stayed there in a comfortable silence, their soft breathes scattering the pile of flowers that had settled around their feet.

"Who's doing it to you?" He looked up, his face scrunched up in anger as he stared onto Felix's auburn eyes. He couldn't find it in his heart to hate Changbin, not even when he had started vomiting up blood. He would rather choke on all his stupidly beautiful petals a million times than forget him.

 

"Which stupid idiot wouldn't want to fall in love with you?"

Felix bit down hard on his tongue, his heart crumbling underneath the stare of his unrequited love.

 _Fool._ He thought, picking up the pastel coloured petals one by one.

_It's you._


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe it was selfish of him but he if his love was requited, he wanted it to be returned whole heartedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop whoop! I'm continuing it but each chapter is still short because I have no inspiration. Enjoy and leave comements. :)

Felix sat knelt down beside the dorm's toilet, his whole body shivering as he forced himself to vomit up the flowers that had settled against the inside of his stomach. An hour had passed, and there was still no sign of the notorious, yellow petals he had grown to hate.

Woojin suggested, for the umpteenth time, that he should just get the surgery and right now, he actually considering it. His resolve was slowly breaking; his frequent, sporadic nausea and his eldest friend's comforting words were all chipping away at his conscience.

Felix felt pathetic, and this time there was no one to help him-- all the doctor's he had visited could only make assumptions about his illness. Some said it was his bodies natural instinct to fight against the sickness, while other's claimed that his significant other had mixed feelings.

Changbin didn't do feelings. Not for him anyways.

His hands gripped the seat as his head lurched forward, his knuckles turning a sickly white while he tried to steady himself.

It was 11pm, and although it was technically light out, he knew at least 3 of the other members were still awake, exhausted from dance practice but without the willpower to drift off to sleep.

It was too risky to travel back and forth between the dorms, especially when the person he least wanted to see was right next door.

A small knock came from the door.

"Felix?"

A wave of pure, unadulterated horror consumed the blondie as he sat there, his mouth wide open, gaping like a fish. He sunk down dejectedly, before slowly forcing his legs to move towards the door. 

It was Changbin.

Felix wasn't ashamed about being in love--Changbin was nothing to be embarrassed about-- but nonetheless he still didn't want his crush to see him in the state he was in.

Changbin stared at the boy with bright, wide eyes. His smile gradually dropped as he dragged his feet across the tiles and enveloped his friend in a spine crushing hug. 

They stood in the middle of the bathroom, just holding each other, not wanting to speak in case they said something wrong.   
A few minutes passed before the brunette gathered up the courage to speak again.

"Are you not gonna tell me who it is?"

Felix shook his head, his blonde hair flailing around. He could have told him, he should have told him-- Changbin wasn't the type to judge based on sexuality-- but he felt guilty. His friend was far too easy to read for someone who introduced themselves as, 'dark and mysterious'. Felix knew that Changbin would force himself to love him just so his friend wouldn't have to suffer as much and-- maybe it was selfish of him but he if his love was requited, he wanted it to be returned whole heartedly. 

"No."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm still procrastinating by forcing my way out of writer's block. I struggled to write this chapter, so let me know if anything doesn't make sense.


	3. You can't take back that you said nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s too hot to be running around, searching for answers to unanswerable questions but Changbin’s eyes glistening with excitement tell him otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I finally updated this fic after how many months. A lot of stuff happened (so much stuff that I can't even find a place to start) and I wasn't in the best mental state, but regardless, I felt the need to at least finish this and so here's chapter 3!

During summer, Felix thinks that the sky should be a light, airy blue colour to compliment the harsh yellow of the sun. Instead, Felix notices that all traces of blue, all traces of life have been sucked out of it, and replaced with a dull shade of grey.

Changbin sits opposite him, his nose brushing against the screen of his phone. Whatever he’s reading must be funny, because his face lights up every few seconds, a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips. He drums his fingers against his knee, a quirk that Felix translates to mean that he’s nervous: about what, Felix doesn’t know because he’ll probably agree to whatever the black haired boy says.

“Can we go here?”

Felix squints his eyes to see the writing on the phone. The sentences are all squished together into one big bundle of black, and the characters are way too small for him to read; but Felix figures that he wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway, not with his sub par knowledge of Korean. From among the mess, he can see the words maze in green at the very top of the page. Pictures of smiling groups--most of them couples, litter the page and it’s too hot to be running around, searching for answers to unanswerable questions but Changbin’s eyes glistening with excitement tell him otherwise.

The train screeches to a stop, and they jump out onto the platform. People huddle together in cliques, some searching for directions, others boarding the train. The atmosphere is suffocating; an array of coats and bags block his view until he’s desperately seeking for a certain pair of dark brown eyes.

A hand drags him onto the staircase, and he’s stumbling over his feet, trying to regain his footing. He’s about to shout, when he sees a familiar ring waving in front of his face. Changbin. The two of them walk up the stairs, Felix’s legs aching as they finally reach their destination.

Today is a race, which the blonde haired boy thinks is an abysmal idea, considering the fact that both of them are very competitive. He tries to get his friend to go inside the restaurant instead, but he knows it’s useless to even try when he sees Changbin smiling like that.

The whistle blows, and Felix is, once again, being dragged throughout the course, his body colliding with the soft faux grass walls. The floor, however, is decorated with real, white petals and it dawns on Felix that he hasn’t felt the need to vomit out any petals today. He looks at the boy in front of him, his face twisting in confusion as he tries to figure out what’s happening. Then Changbin stops, and Felix concludes two things: one, that it must be the end of the race, and two: that when he’s with Changbin, 30 minutes feel like a second. The older boy turns around and offers the blonde a sheepish smile, and for someone who claims to be a very serious person, he seems to smile a lot at him. 

“I had fun today.”

“So did I,” Felix replies, his mouth contorting into a cat-like grin.

Leaves start to trickle down from the trees, blurring his vision. He’s already feeling deluded; so much so, that he’s mistaking all the happiness he’s feeling, all the happiness Changbin claims he’s feeling for love. For a moment, a very brief moment, Felix thinks that his friend may actually like him back, but the idea disintegrates when he looks directly at him, his face scrunched up in anger.

Does he know? 

“By the way. I may or may not have a crush on you.”

Felix looks up, his heartbeat echoing in his ears. Pink spreads across his cheeks as he tries to block the sun from burning his skin. It’s no use-- it’s already burning, scorching even, under Changbin’s stare.

Then suddenly, Felix is drowning, his head floating on the surface as he tries to swim away from all the doubt, all the fears that are surging into his brain. Is this what pity feels like? Waves wash over him, lulling him slowly out of his dream and into reality. He wants to stay there, just a bit longer but he knows his time is up, and so wakes up, eyes blinking slowly, almost ritualistically as he reaches for his water bottle.

This time he doesn’t respond. He pulls on a confused face and gestures to his ear, pretending that he didn’t hear him, even though his words are circulating in his mind. Changbin shakes his head and walks towards the exit, head lowered, brows knitted together. It’s for the best; he repeats it like a mantra, even though he knows it’s not, even though he’s hurting too much. Felix doesn’t want to fall under the spell of false hope, so he follows his friend, silently, obediently.

Changbin doesn’t love him. At least, not in the way Felix wants him to love him. And after all these months, Felix thinks he’s fine with it.

(He’s not but perhaps someday, he will be.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. As always feedback is highly welcome. Thank you also, to everyone who encouraged me, because I probably would have just left this for longer :P

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments and feedback are greatly appreciated. Hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
